1 00:00:41,574 --> 00:00:44,236 No objection to an identity parade ? 2 00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:49,974 None. We're socially responsible. Do we get the eight quid now ? 3 00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:54,052 We were just on our way to give blood. 4 00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:59,749 - Right. - I get �6 a bottle 'cause mine's 90% proof. 5 00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:04,022 They're swarthy-looking. Which is the criminal ? 6 00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:09,635 - These are the other volunteers. - That one ? Eh ? Oh, that's right. 7 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:14,137 - I'll bring the suspect in. - Give him a kicking, do we ? 8 00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:18,300 No, we let the witness identify him. 9 00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:23,279 Oh, that's right. Good policing. Right, form a line, everybody ! 10 00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:29,085 Whoops, here he comes. Dear, oh, dear ! 11 00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:33,419 Look at that Neanderthal gait. Only learned to walk upright today. 12 00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:41,863 Hanging's too good for you ! How can he mug old ladies with his knuckles scraping along ? 13 00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:45,428 Hello, hello ! 14 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:52,036 Me respectable citizen. He's making my flesh creep. You vile scum ! 15 00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,272 - Do you mind ? - Ooh, it talks ! 16 00:01:55,448 --> 00:02:01,819 - What's next, a quest for fire ? - Gentlemen, I'm Chief Inspector Grobbelaar. 17 00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:04,786 Chief Inspector Grobb... 18 00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:14,766 The suspects are highly dangerous. I don't want any of you fraternising, OK ? 19 00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:22,007 Look ! Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog. Hello, boys ! What are you doing here ? 20 00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:25,975 A bomb went off 200 miles away and they arrested us. 21 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:31,015 - I hope we're not IRA. - It's very secretive. We wouldn't know. 22 00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:38,090 Even if you were, you'd be OK. You'd get 17 years in jail and then get out scot-free. 23 00:02:38,258 --> 00:02:41,853 If I go down, I'm taking one of them with me. 24 00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:44,519 - Why's that ? - It's the way I fall. 25 00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:49,691 That's him ! That's the one ! Vicious bastard. Ooh, me blood runs cold. 26 00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,393 Hello, Mum. 27 00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:55,735 Send him down ! Electrocute him ! Guillotine him ! 28 00:02:55,909 --> 00:03:00,869 - I'll tidy my room tomorrow ! - Where's my handbag ? 29 00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:03,607 - What do you know about my father ? - Nothing. 30 00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:07,310 - As I suspected. - Concentrate on the bag. 31 00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:11,218 It's hard to concentrate on anything else ! 32 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:16,155 - Do you recognise any of these men ? - I know them all. 33 00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:21,393 - Who took the bag ? - He did ! 34 00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:25,060 - It was a cross-dressing party. - Let's see. 35 00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:28,639 - Your son borrowed your handbag ? - Right. 36 00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:32,938 - Villain ! - Take her out for a good drubbing. 37 00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,880 Oh, shit ! 38 00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:45,756 Eight quid each ! It pays to be a responsible citizen. 39 00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:48,120 - Oh, hello ! - Hello. 40 00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:50,159 - You're new. - Yes. 41 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:55,097 Good ! In that case, hello ! We're from Health and Safety. 42 00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:58,669 Can we examine two halves and some pasties ? 43 00:03:58,838 --> 00:04:03,275 - Oi, Eddie ! - See they got new staff ! 44 00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:09,814 - Great, innit ? - No need to spend any of our line-up money ! 45 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:15,944 Remember, lads, don't get too sloshed. We got another one in Paddington today. 46 00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:20,491 - What's the crime ? - Flashing. Make it convincing. 47 00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:24,721 - Mum, do you want another drink ? - Same again. 48 00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:31,666 - Another three bottles of brandy. - I'd better test another eight pints of lager. 49 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:35,968 - There's a lot of government people today. - That's right. 50 00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:39,270 How attractive you look in that short summer frock. 51 00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:46,210 It's quite lovely, isn't it ? Tell me, do you use Timotei ? 52 00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:53,086 With such beautiful hair, you must pop up a mountain, 53 00:04:53,259 --> 00:04:55,659 dip it in a stream and flick it about. 54 00:04:55,828 --> 00:05:01,198 Are you a Page Three girl ? If you wanted to, you could be. 55 00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:04,803 Take your top off, we'll give you our opinion. 56 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,563 Shut up, Eddie ! 57 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,609 You know... 58 00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:17,179 in the short time I've known you, I've fallen head-over-heels in love with you. 59 00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:21,946 - What ?! That's ridiculous. - It's crazy, but hear me out. 60 00:05:22,121 --> 00:05:28,060 Ever since I was wounded leading the charge at Goose Green in the Falklands, 61 00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:31,321 I haven't been able to make love properly. 62 00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:37,026 Well, seeing as you're a barmaid - and we all know what barmaids get up to - 63 00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:41,606 - could you see your way to... - Having you bunged out ? 64 00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:48,844 Well, I've never been "bunged out" before, but I'm game for anything ! 65 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:53,349 - Was you in the Falklands ? - Shut up ! I'm on the brink of a shag ! 66 00:05:54,921 --> 00:06:00,257 - Have you read "The Joy of Sex" ? - I don't read things like that. 67 00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:03,020 We can just look at the pictures. 68 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:07,428 - When was you there ? - Well, not for a holiday ! 69 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:11,502 - So you're a veteran ? - No ! I was in the thick of it ! 70 00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,798 Someone else looked after the ponies. 71 00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:20,905 Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk 72 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,571 Night fever, night f... 73 00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,220 That's tight-mouthed Larry, the bookmaker. 74 00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:35,187 He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he ? 75 00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,524 - Now, dear... - When was you there ? 76 00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:42,498 - Are you a professional bore ? - I was in the Falklands. 77 00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:47,503 Yes, I bet you were, a chap like you. Got any proof ? 78 00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:52,472 Got me service medal, yeah. 79 00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:57,313 - You all right, mate ? - Yes... 80 00:06:57,483 --> 00:07:00,646 I get like this when I meet a compadre. 81 00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,311 So... Shit ! 82 00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,048 Er, great. 83 00:07:06,225 --> 00:07:08,659 - You were there ? - I was in Two Para. 84 00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,762 You went twice ? 85 00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:15,393 - What regiment was you in ? - The English one, of course ! 86 00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:21,063 - What outfit was you in ? - The green patchy one, mostly. 87 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:27,770 With the twigs and a leaf. Camouflage. Not many of the chaps with busbies came back. 88 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:34,876 I remember looking at hordes of Argies going, "We surrender, Tommy ! H�nde hoch !" 89 00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:38,353 I tell you, I'm perfectly all right ! 90 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,199 Yeah, so how did you get on ? 91 00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,562 - Well... 92 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,897 Well... what ? 93 00:07:54,073 --> 00:08:00,478 - I lost me leg ! - Oh, I see. Oh, dear ! Er, how sad ! 94 00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:06,442 - No, look ! There it is ! - Look ! 95 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:12,414 Eddie's found it for you. There it is, under your bottom ! 96 00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:17,461 Silly banana ! A commando should keep track of his legs ! 97 00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:20,963 Nah, this is me falsie. Look at that. 98 00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:25,968 Two-and-a-half grand that cost. Hand-carved by naked Balinese maidens. 99 00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:31,976 - How do you know they were naked ? - I watched 'em do it ! 100 00:08:33,045 --> 00:08:38,483 - That's why it cost so much. - �2,500, eh ? 101 00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:40,249 No, we can't ! 102 00:08:43,756 --> 00:08:45,451 Well... 103 00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,118 Ha, ha, ha ! 104 00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:55,499 - It's great when we war horses get together. - Was you there as well ? 105 00:08:55,668 --> 00:08:58,136 - Er, oh, yes ! - What outfit ? 106 00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:05,738 The grey off-the-shoulder slinky number with sequins and a split up the side. 107 00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:09,143 Only joking. I was in Intelligence. 108 00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:12,614 They dropped me behind enemy lines. 109 00:09:12,785 --> 00:09:15,811 Quite a long way behind enemy lines. 110 00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:17,421 Guildford, actually. 111 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:24,924 - What, by parachute ? - No, dropped me from the army. Flat feet. 112 00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:28,555 Did you yomp from Goose Green to Stroud Hill ? 113 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:33,433 Yeah, we all had to do that. There were no lavs. 114 00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:39,340 Just open countryside. Had to watch where you put your feet. 115 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,848 Must have been a bitch, squatting on one leg ! 116 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:52,857 - But did YOU go to Stroud Hill ? - Of course ! Me and my mates. 117 00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:57,394 There was me and, er... Ginger, er... Tommy, 118 00:09:57,563 --> 00:10:00,657 er... Tiddles, er... 119 00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:03,028 Er... Spot, 120 00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:07,366 Joey, Snowy and er... Corky. 121 00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:10,600 There isn't a Stroud Hill in the Falklands. 122 00:10:12,878 --> 00:10:19,511 Er... Oooh... You're the ones that didn't find it ? We had a laugh about you ! 123 00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:23,787 Right, here I am, then ! Oh, no, I'm not. 124 00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:31,527 - What did YOU do, then ? - I can't talk about it. 125 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:36,691 Why, is it embarrassing ? Shit your pants, did you ? 126 00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:41,998 - Cry, did you ? - The opposite, actually. 127 00:10:42,174 --> 00:10:45,439 You sucked water in through your eyes ? 128 00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:55,216 - No, I took Harrison's Point single-handed. - That could be nasty ! 129 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,221 I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I ? 130 00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:02,760 - I don't know. It's all bollocks. - Shh, shh ! 131 00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:06,864 - His mind's blanked it all out. - 'Cause it's so horrible ? 132 00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,866 No, he's just got that sort of mind. 133 00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:12,596 Oh, well, must mingle. Charmed ! 134 00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:18,036 - That's where I got the GC. - Seen a doctor about it ? 135 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:22,112 - You probably got germs in the cut. - George Cross ! 136 00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:25,808 Him, was it ? You should have known better ! 137 00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:29,716 What did you do in the war, Spudgun ? 138 00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:34,417 - Nothing, I was unemployed. - Very convenient ! 139 00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:37,687 It is, I live very near the dole office. 140 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:41,856 That's not what I meant ! I spilled blood for the likes of you ! 141 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:47,700 - My appendix are on Mount William. - For what ? A few farmers and penguins 142 00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:51,502 and another term of office for Thatcher. 143 00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,646 Oh, a Bolshie, eh ? A pinko. 144 00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:59,478 Interesting, isn't it ? Interesting. 145 00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:04,715 - You women never muck in in a scrap. - Interesting in what way ? 146 00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:12,827 Well, it's interesting because, I said it and anything I say is interesting per se, 147 00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:17,094 and... Well, there isn't a 'Cause the was so great. 148 00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:21,232 Have you any idea how women actually feel ? 149 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,774 No, I haven't. That's my problem, really. 150 00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:29,540 - Would you like me to tell you ? - I'll take the practical. 151 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:34,583 - My mum's right. - Why don't you live in the Soviet Union ? 152 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,518 - It doesn't exist. - And it's horrible. 153 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:41,456 - Er... that's my point ! - Stupid point. 154 00:12:41,627 --> 00:12:46,894 Ten years I fought in the Falklands ! Ten long years ! 155 00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:49,967 We didn't have toilets ! We didn't have telly ! 156 00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:56,006 No buses. We had to carry everything. Equipment, ammo - whatever that is - 157 00:12:56,175 --> 00:12:59,144 souvenirs, shopping... 158 00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:03,270 Yeah, shopping ! I liberated Port Stanley Tesco's. 159 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:09,046 I was there when Prince Andrew got his undercarriage shot off. It was after the war. 160 00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:12,213 I don't believe you were in the Falklands ! 161 00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:15,383 Don't believe me, eh ? 162 00:13:19,231 --> 00:13:22,325 - Take a look at this. - I'd rather not ! 163 00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:24,230 Go on ! What's that ? 164 00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:27,463 It looks like a very small penis. 165 00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:32,973 - Not that, THAT ! - It's an appendix scar. 166 00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:37,980 - Yes, and how do you think I got that ? - An appendix operation. 167 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,175 Yes ! 168 00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:44,321 An Argie took it out with a bayonet ! 169 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:49,757 I don't believe this so much I'm gonna smash your face in. 170 00:13:49,929 --> 00:13:54,025 - I'd like to see you try, Hopalong. - You're about to. 171 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,600 - Give him one ! - I will ! 172 00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,100 Just try, Buster ! 173 00:13:59,371 --> 00:14:02,704 - Eddie, hold me back. - I'm busy drinking. 174 00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:05,070 What ? 175 00:14:05,878 --> 00:14:09,974 - This time, Buster... - That's enough ! Calm down. 176 00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:14,848 - Lucky escape for you. - It's on the house. What would you like ? 177 00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:18,950 - Sexual favours, is it ? - No. 178 00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:23,951 - No ? What's wrong with me ? - I think that's obvious. 179 00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:28,929 Oh ! Ha, I'm not a homosexual, if that's what you think. 180 00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:32,593 But you're not strictly heterosexual. 181 00:14:33,739 --> 00:14:36,367 Judas ! I've never done it with a bloke ! 182 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:39,511 But you've never done it with a bird, either. 183 00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:42,545 - Has he ? - No ! 184 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,548 But I'm heterosexual in intent. 185 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:50,052 The nearest you've come to being heterosexual is locking yourself in 186 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,350 with an "Amateur Photographer" and a jar of hand cream. 187 00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:58,221 Yeah, but I've done it mentally. 188 00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:02,424 Boy, have I done it mentally ! Look at that bicep. 189 00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,763 You're bloody lucky I didn't hit you with that one ! You'd be on a drip by now. 190 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:12,377 - Want some more ? - Boys, let's finish him off. 191 00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:16,071 - It's OK, we'll just watch. - All the best ! 192 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,715 Oh, Lor ! 193 00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:27,919 Sorry, I'll have to stop this fight because I need somebody to hold on to. 194 00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:30,721 I think I'm a little bit drunk. 195 00:15:32,064 --> 00:15:33,895 Which way's my betting shop ? 196 00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:38,400 I've got a dead cert for the 3.30 at Chepstow. 197 00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:43,030 Sad Ken. He's 100 to 1, but he's bound to come in. 198 00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:49,807 It's a bit of a secret. Only us bookies know about it, so don't tell anyone. 199 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:59,056 Let's just keep it a secret between us few people in here, right ? 200 00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:03,354 No, tell you what, forget everything I said. 201 00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:07,226 Just wipe it from your minds. All right ? 202 00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:10,698 - What did I say ? - We can't remember. 203 00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:13,963 - Thank God ! - Chepstow. 204 00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:15,834 - 3.30. - 100 to 1. 205 00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:19,341 - Sad Ken. - My secret is safe. 206 00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:25,312 Bloody hell, Eddie, this is our lucky day ! 207 00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:30,888 Free money from the police, free drinks from the bit behind the bar who I'm on with later, 208 00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:34,321 and now a free tip from tight-mouthed Larry. 209 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:39,487 Let's see. Diddly-doo, diddly-doo. That's 16 quid to put on Sad Ken. 210 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:45,103 It's a shame, 'cause it's the chance of a lifetime. If only I had a huge wad ! 211 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:48,865 - That or a huge pile of cash. - Yeah. 212 00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,566 I've had a great idea. Come to the lavatories. 213 00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:55,339 That's the same trick you try every Saturday ! 214 00:16:55,514 --> 00:17:00,144 This is no time to be an ugly, ignorant, no-brained arse-head from hell ! 215 00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:03,948 - We're stumped, then. - Yeah. 216 00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:07,058 Come anyway. I have something of interest. 217 00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:10,024 OK, anything for a giggle. 218 00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:17,902 You wouldn't be laughing if you were in my shoes. 219 00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:21,471 I'd have very wet feet if I was in your shoes. 220 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,040 Damn ! Oh, who cares ? 221 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:28,669 We'll have fur-lined lizard-skin thigh boots if my plan works. 222 00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:32,806 Let's go over it again. Ooh, sorry ! 223 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:35,419 Right ! Now, this is the plan, OK ? 224 00:17:35,587 --> 00:17:38,784 We take off his leg, take it to the pawn shop, 225 00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:43,758 put all the money on the horse, win, redeem the leg and put it back ! He'll never know. 226 00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:47,126 What could go wrong, especially with Sad Ken ? 227 00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:51,235 - Right ! - I'll distract him, you swipe the leg. 228 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:57,899 Righty-dokey, matey, bloke, flap old salty seadog, amigo, jockstrap, piano tuner ! 229 00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:02,070 - Let's see you balls this up ! - Righto ! 230 00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:08,251 Eddie, we're in luck. He's asleep. Get his leg off. 231 00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:23,594 Aghh ! Ow ! 232 00:18:26,905 --> 00:18:28,873 Eddie... Eddie ! 233 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,565 - EDDIE ! - What ? 234 00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:34,337 - It's the wrong leg ! - What ? 235 00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:39,678 - That's the real one ! - What shall I do with it ? 236 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:43,583 Twist it back and slip it in the socket. 237 00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,329 Phew ! 238 00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:04,738 Stick your hand up his trousers and undo his falsie. 239 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,806 OK, I'll do it. 240 00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,606 There we are. 241 00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,627 Go to the pawn shop and slap the money on Sad Ken. 242 00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:30,234 - I'll keep him unconscious. - OK. Best foot forward. I'll leg it. 243 00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:45,177 Morning ! 244 00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:57,657 - No, it's not ! - It's a mink ! 245 00:19:57,829 --> 00:20:01,230 - See the pelt. - This is the third time. Bugger off ! 246 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,527 - Ivory ? - Yes, sir ? 247 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:06,899 - Get lost ! - A copy of "Health and Efficiency", please. 248 00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:10,530 - We don't do those. - Not much of a porn shop ! 249 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,041 - How much for the telly ? - Ten quid. 250 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:17,615 - It's new and "Bob's Full House" is on later. - Exactly ! 251 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:20,274 OK, give us a fiver. 252 00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:26,117 Come on, Gran, I only want the gold one. Sad Ken's a dead cert ! 253 00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:29,988 Out the way, I'm trying to get me leg over ! 254 00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:32,926 Saucy sod ! It'll cost you ! 255 00:20:33,098 --> 00:20:38,536 - What do you say to two quid ? - Ta very much. How was it for you ? 256 00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:41,537 How much for this carved wooden leg ? 257 00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:45,871 That's a nice bit of objet d'art. 258 00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:49,138 Must be worth at least two-and-a-half grand. 259 00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:52,442 - I'll give you �1.50 for it. - Let's haggle. 260 00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:55,451 - OK, a quid. - Haggle upwards. 261 00:20:55,621 --> 00:20:56,986 50p ! 262 00:20:57,155 --> 00:21:00,613 You're not called Harry the Bastard for nothing ! 263 00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:05,092 - I'm called Ted. - Listen, Ted. 264 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:11,533 I've still got a photo of you, a Chippendale and a very large drum of Swarfega. 265 00:21:12,638 --> 00:21:14,367 - Have you ? - A-ha. 266 00:21:14,539 --> 00:21:19,238 Then, I'll give you �500 for the leg. Now, bugger off ! 267 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,780 Hush, little baby, don't say a word 268 00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:30,411 Daddy's got a dead cert in the 3.30 at Chepstow... 269 00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:33,149 God, what's that 'orrible noise ? 270 00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:37,989 I've had a nightmare about a git with a tiny penis singing ! 271 00:21:38,163 --> 00:21:41,462 Quick, another seven bottles of Malibu. 272 00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:46,036 - You government types can put it away. - You're not wrong there ! 273 00:21:46,204 --> 00:21:49,833 Sorry about that. Oh, my head. I'll just walk it off. 274 00:21:50,008 --> 00:21:53,967 No ! No, I'll walk it off for you. 275 00:21:56,348 --> 00:22:01,115 - I feel completely legless. - You don't know the half of it, mate ! 276 00:22:01,286 --> 00:22:05,655 - Tell us another two-hour anecdote. - Well, there was me... 277 00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:10,454 500 quid on the nose on Sad Ken, please. 278 00:22:10,629 --> 00:22:14,725 - Would you like to pay tax ? - Of course not ! 279 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:20,270 - What a ridiculous question. - Another bundle for Sad Ken. 280 00:22:20,439 --> 00:22:23,966 - 7p on Sad Ken, please. - 7p ? 281 00:22:24,142 --> 00:22:28,238 That's all Harry the Bastard gave me for my house. 282 00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:30,608 OK, race on ! 283 00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:34,445 Here we go. Acapulco here we come ! 284 00:22:34,619 --> 00:22:38,055 This is it, boys, untold wealth. 285 00:22:38,223 --> 00:22:40,282 - Birds ! - Booze ! 286 00:22:40,459 --> 00:22:42,586 Budgerigars. 287 00:22:43,662 --> 00:22:49,623 And they're off ! They're nearly all off. Stuck in the stalls is Sad Ken. 288 00:22:49,801 --> 00:22:55,034 No, he's off now. Gone in completely the wrong direction, rather slowly. 289 00:22:55,207 --> 00:23:00,611 It's very sporting of them to enter a three-legged blind horse here. 290 00:23:00,779 --> 00:23:04,078 He's hit a tree and he's down. 291 00:23:04,249 --> 00:23:08,709 Back to the leaders... No, back with Sad Ken now. 292 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:14,519 I'm afraid they've had to shoot him. Sad Ken has been shot. 293 00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:17,161 And so has the jockey. 294 00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:24,491 After that, I went to my secondary school, where all the teachers had different names. 295 00:23:24,669 --> 00:23:28,070 There was Mr Baker, 296 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:32,199 er, Mr Derbyshire, 297 00:23:32,377 --> 00:23:36,211 who, interestingly, actually came from Berkshire. 298 00:23:36,381 --> 00:23:39,373 - Richie... - Shh ! I'm keeping him busy till Eddie... 299 00:23:39,551 --> 00:23:42,611 Oh, it's you ! Don't sneak up on me like that. 300 00:23:42,788 --> 00:23:47,350 Us war veterans, they didn't call us Desert Scorpions for nothing. 301 00:23:47,526 --> 00:23:51,257 They called you that 'cause you're small and poisonous. 302 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,593 - Shut up. You're not as interesting as me. - OK. 303 00:23:54,766 --> 00:23:57,929 - Where is the loot ? - Ah, well... 304 00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,367 Brace yourself... 305 00:24:00,539 --> 00:24:06,967 ...because Sad Ken wasn't quite the wonder horse that we expected. 306 00:24:08,180 --> 00:24:12,583 What ?! Impossible ! Tight-mouthed Larry said he was 100% cert. 307 00:24:16,988 --> 00:24:20,788 - We had you ! - Afternoon, suckers ! 308 00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:27,330 As your friendly landlord, can I introduce my niece, Veronica ? How'd it go ? 309 00:24:27,499 --> 00:24:33,028 Like you said. They pretended to be from the government. And you're right about the git. 310 00:24:33,205 --> 00:24:36,333 He HAS got a small penis. 311 00:24:36,508 --> 00:24:39,136 That's your name crossed off my little list. 312 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:44,408 - Thank God. - You can throw away that list now. 313 00:24:44,583 --> 00:24:47,575 - How much did they get through at the bar ? - 2,000 quid ! 314 00:24:48,653 --> 00:24:52,145 - That's about right. - We made 14 grand on the race, 315 00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:57,091 - minus two is twelve. - Six grand apiece. Not bad ! 316 00:24:57,262 --> 00:24:59,355 - BASTARDS ! - Correct ! 317 00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:04,992 Shut up ! The psycho's coming round. Where's his leg ? 318 00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:08,829 - There. - No, his other leg. 319 00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:13,603 - He hasn't got one. - Get down the pawn shop ! 320 00:25:13,778 --> 00:25:16,872 - Give me 500 quid. - Into the lavvies. 321 00:25:17,048 --> 00:25:23,317 Richie, it's illegal. And you'd never make 500 quid. You'd be lucky to get 10p a go ! 322 00:25:24,155 --> 00:25:27,147 I've got a brilliant idea. Into the lavs. 323 00:25:28,593 --> 00:25:32,359 - What's the brilliant idea ? - Panic ! Aghh ! 324 00:25:36,101 --> 00:25:41,664 I'll handle this. Uncle Percy was in the trenches in the First World War. 325 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,774 - Know what he used to say ? - What ? 326 00:25:43,942 --> 00:25:46,775 Aghh ! Bloody hell ! Thousands of Germans ! 327 00:25:46,945 --> 00:25:51,245 Who will rescue me ? Mummy, I wanna go home ! 328 00:25:51,416 --> 00:25:53,077 Shut up ! Shut up ! 329 00:25:53,952 --> 00:25:56,386 Shut up ! Shut up ! OK ? 330 00:26:04,763 --> 00:26:09,063 - This is a bloody good idea ! - Want some more ? 331 00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:12,897 Why not mug the first person that comes in ? 332 00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:14,436 Great idea ! 333 00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:18,537 - What's that for ? - You were the first in. 334 00:26:18,710 --> 00:26:22,111 - But I haven't got any money. - Damn ! 335 00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:26,582 Not much in this mugging game, is there ? 336 00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:29,584 No, I'm talking about subsequent lavatarians. 337 00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:32,279 The next person who comes in, we mug him. 338 00:26:32,457 --> 00:26:35,290 Or her, if she's a perv. Never know your luck. 339 00:26:36,528 --> 00:26:39,429 We get 500 quid, nip down the pawn shop, 340 00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:42,761 redeem the leg and put it back on. 341 00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:46,233 We'll be back home before you can say... 342 00:26:46,404 --> 00:26:49,771 - Someone's coming into the toilet. - Someone's coming into the toilet ! 343 00:26:50,742 --> 00:26:53,210 Quick, Eddie ! Let him have it ! 344 00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:04,445 It's Chief Inspector Grobbelaar. 345 00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:07,291 Shit ! 346 00:27:10,695 --> 00:27:14,654 Get on with it, you filthy scum. Why not get a real job ? 347 00:27:19,537 --> 00:27:25,066 - Happy with the line-up ? - No, you know it's us. We've no chance ! 348 00:27:25,243 --> 00:27:31,580 - That's the beauty of it. - How about a make-up artist or sex change ? 349 00:27:31,750 --> 00:27:36,414 I demand to see a lawyer... preferably a female nudie one ! 350 00:27:36,588 --> 00:27:42,049 If you'd shut up, I'll go down the line and see if I can spot the felons. 351 00:27:48,767 --> 00:27:51,827 Damn ! What happens now, copper ? 352 00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,700 I invite everyone to give you a damn good kicking. 353 00:27:56,541 --> 00:27:59,567 - What ?! - In your own time, gentlemen.